When I run after what I think I want,
My days are a furnace of distress and anxiety;
If I sit in my own place of patience,
What I need flows to me,
And without any pain.Волк
From this I understand that
What I want also wants me,
Is looking for me
And attracting me;
When it cannot attract me
Any more to go to it,
It has to come to me.
There is a great secret
In this for anyone
Who can grasp it.
That’s pretty much all I want to say this week but as I am up in the night with my wee girl I might as well bleather on a bit more. I think this whole year has had one message, stop with the running.
I keep hearing the message, saying ah ha to myself, then about five minutes pass and I forget again and I start running around trying to make things work instead of just letting myself be still.
I know I don’t like to be too busy, I need space in my life to feel sane, and yet I still lean towards taking on too many projects and packing my days out with things to do. I think for the last five or six years I have been desperately trying to engineer some sense of success into my life. Even if in my heart I know there is no such thing, that actually I don’t even know what that means.
There’s a question that’s been rattling around my head for what feels like forever now, which is hard to articulate but goes something along the lines of what am I actually for? If we’re all cogs in the world then I’ve not found my little corner to turn in. I don’t know where I fit.
Of course that assumes that we are all cogs and all have a place to fit which might be total bollocks. It’s all probably digital anyway.
So what can we do but our best to keep whatever is in front of us ticking alone, trying to keep some kind of time, hoping we won’t be too late or too early or run out of batteries. Who knows, I don’t even wear a watch. And it all passes anyway. This moment, and this one and this one. Now, now and now.
It’s the middle of the night, I can’t settle my wee girl and this too shall pass, and Sunday with it’s chores and the week that follows with it’s Christmas show and shopping It’s all tick tocking along regardless. So I’d like to be quieter, shout less, listen more, breathe better, find my own place of patience.