A Rubiks Cube, not a Ball

I want to be a ball.  A nice round ball.  With one lovely colour.  A ball knows where it’s at. It understands it’s job and how to do it.  It just rolls around, there are no sharp edges.  It’s soft.  Easy to play with.  Useful. A ball has one surface.  But I am not a ball.Как работает традиционный сэндвич?

I know people who are balls.  I think they are lucky.  I envy their roundness, their one simple surface. Balls have just one thing to do and they do it well, really well. It’s all straightforward stuff when you are a ball.Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I tend to see three ball types on my travels.  There are the yoga balls, all bendy and beautiful, the writer balls all wise and wonderful and the theatre balls all shiny and smart.  They love what they do and they do what they love and they have found there place in the world.  I would like to be a ball, I would like to know my place and I would to have just one thing to do and do it really well.Movie Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

But I am not a ball. I am a rubiks cube.  What this means for me is that I have a lot of sharp edges, a lot of corners.  Also too many surfaces and they are all different colours.  Day to day I find it hard to work on one surface without messing up all the others.  I have to think about the blue side when I am working on the yellow.  I don’t have time to make each one  perfect because I have to tend to all these different moving parts.  I am not mathematical, I can’t make it work.

The year after I left teaching and before I started the youth theatre I really only had one side on the go.  I did no theatre that year.  I did no movement/exercise that year – I wasn’t well enough.  I just did the poetry thing.  And because I just did the poetry thing I was able to travel a fair bit in that year, from a complete beginner to someone with a basic understanding and the beginnings of a publishing record.  But when I was reading I was reading poetry and when I was listening I was listening to poetry and when I was doing courses they were poetry courses and when I spent time with friends they were poetry friends.  I was as ball like as I am ever going to get.  I liked it, it was nice.

And then other things started to creep in again.  And they were not bad things. This area needs a youth theatre (and I need some kind of road that might lead to an income!) and I needed the yoga, badly.  It has transformed my  health.  But now I am juggling.  Juggling squares.  The house, the kids, the fact that I am a mother to a child with additional needs, the time I need to move and do yoga, the time I want to sit still and be quiet, the creative work for the youth theatre, all the admin work for the youth theatre, any work I am doing in the schools, then the time to write, edit, submit.  And that’s before I make time to see family and friends or read a book for leisure or even just take a walk.  Those things often don’t get a look in.  I don’t like multi tasking.  I just want to worry about one thing.

I watched a video this week from a guy who does two hours of meditation a day.  He said we all have the same amount of time and it’s up to us how we spend it.  I understood his point but also thought he was speaking from a place of privilege.  Yes we all have the same amount of time but we all have different challenges and responsibilities within that time.  A single parent of a severely disabled child carries  a level of responsibility that a single person does not, someone who does not need to worry about money has a different set of needs to a person who absolutely must hold down their minimum wage job.  It gets my back up with self development gurus pretend the playing field is equal when some people are playing on a posh field with the best equipment and coaches and others are on their own kicking a football around the street.

Not that I think I am that person, I have a lot of luck in my life actually, a lot of privilege.  But I am still not a ball.  Not just now anyway. And yes I realise, that if you are a ball you are probably not the lucky bastard I imagine you to be.  I am sure there is a fair amount of being kicked about to put up with.  Never the less I somehow I need to find a way to deal with all the little bits and pieces of my life.  Somehow I need to figure out how I can focus on all my sides, not at once, but at least equally and not at the expense of one another. And then I need to allow it all and know that nothing is wasted, nothing is lost.  I am not a ball, but I still want to play.

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