I wish I was smarter. I wish I could do one thing really, really well. Well enough for it to mean something. I wish I had listened more when I was younger. I wish I was younger. I wish I had pushed more for the things I wanted. I wish I had understood what time would do. I wish I had not wasted so much energy. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I was stronger now. I wish I was better at connecting with people. I wish I was less socially awkward. I wish I had known that people I thought were friends were just people and that friends I thought were just people were friends. I wish I hadn’t pushed so hard when it didn’t matter and pushed harder when it did. I wish I had understood the difference. I wish I had been different. I wish I was different. I wish I knew what to do. I wish someone would tell me. I wish I didn’t need to wish that someone would tell me, that I would actually just know because I was smart enough to know. I wish I was smarter.focuz
I wish a lot of things.
I wish I could be in Into the Woods on broadway, the version with Bernadette Peters. I wish I was Bernadette Peters. Or Nicola Benedetti. Or anyone beautiful and talented and smart. Or just beautiful. Or just talented. Or smart, I wish I was smarter.
I wish when they said it’s never too late that it was actually true. I wish had figured it all out earlier. I wish I could figure it out now. I wish I wasn’t so afraid, of time, of death, of endlessly being mediocre. I wish I were brilliant, that I could make my life work, that I could find the place where I actually fit.
I wish I hadn’t started this post in this way because now all I can say is I wish, I wish, I wish.
I wish a lot of things.
I wish I could think of a clever way to end this because I have a long list of things to do. I wish I didn’t have such a long list. I wish I was better, just better. I wish I wasn’t so annoying or selfish or stupid. I wish I was smart, that I always knew what to say and what to do. I wish I was more like the others. Or less like the others. Or both.
I wish I could say something useful now, something like yes, I know, like we’re all the same here, wishing away like hungry things. Wishing, wishing, wishing. All of us pretending we’re full up when we’re not. I wish I had someone to cook with. They say the graveyards are full of gold, all those unsung songs. I wish I could sing. Or tap dance. Or sew. Sewing is a useful thing. I wish I were more useful.
I wish I knew if you were wishing too, I am not sure that I am not the only one. Perhaps if I were smarter I would know. I wish I was.