I wish…

I wish I was smarter.  I wish I could do one thing really, really well.  Well enough for it to mean something.  I wish I had listened more when I was younger.  I wish I was younger.  I wish I had pushed more for the things I wanted.  I wish I had understood what time would do.  I wish I had not wasted so much energy.  I wish I had been stronger.  I wish I was stronger now.  I wish I was better at connecting with people.  I wish I was less socially awkward.  I wish I had known that people I thought were friends were just people and that friends I thought were just people were friends.  I wish I hadn’t pushed so hard when it didn’t matter and pushed harder when it did.  I wish I had understood the difference.  I wish I had been different.  I wish I was different.  I wish I knew what to do.  I wish someone would tell me. I wish I didn’t need to wish that someone would tell me, that I would actually just know because I was smart enough to know.  I wish I was smarter.focuz

I wish a lot of things.

I wish I could be in Into the Woods on broadway, the version with Bernadette Peters.  I wish I was Bernadette Peters.  Or Nicola Benedetti. Or anyone beautiful and talented and smart.  Or just beautiful.  Or just talented.  Or smart, I wish I was smarter.

I wish when they said it’s never too late that it was actually true.  I wish had figured it all out earlier.  I wish I could figure it out now.  I wish I wasn’t so afraid, of time, of death, of endlessly being mediocre.  I wish I were brilliant, that I could make my life work, that I could find the place where I actually fit.

I wish I hadn’t started this post in this way because now all I can say is I wish, I wish, I wish.

I wish a lot of things.

I wish I could think of a clever way to end this because I have a long list of things to do.  I wish I didn’t have such a long list.  I wish I was better, just better.  I wish I wasn’t so annoying or selfish or stupid.  I wish I was smart, that I always knew what to say and what to do.  I wish I was more like the others.  Or less like the others.  Or both.

I wish I could say something useful now, something like yes, I know, like we’re all the same here, wishing away like hungry things.  Wishing, wishing, wishing. All of us pretending we’re full up when we’re not.  I wish I had someone to cook with.  They say the graveyards are full of gold, all those unsung songs.  I wish I could sing. Or tap dance.  Or sew. Sewing is a useful thing.  I wish I were more useful.

I wish I knew if you were wishing too, I am not sure that I am not the only one.  Perhaps if I were smarter I would know.  I wish I was.

One thought on “I wish…

  1. I wish you knew you are enough, you are all those things already, that being someone else doesn’t change how we feel. I wish you could find a way to realise that.

    Have you heard of the law of attraction? At first I was unsure, but it has given me a positive attitude and a self belief I’ve never ever had. I recommend some of Jack Canfield’s books, especially about The success principles. And I like the saying; the sky is not the limit; your belief system is.


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