On Friday I rehearsed with a Primary 4 class. I asked half to stay on ‘stage’ (no stage, are you mad? It’s a school in Angus, they don’t give a shit about the arts – I mean one half of the gym hall) and the other half I asked to sit in the audience. The first half I asked to walk into the space, sit and do nothing. Then I asked them to walk into the space, sit and imagine something very important was about to happen in the centre of the space. Those watching knew the second was better even though they couldn’t exactly articulate why. I was trying to show them how much the quality of attention matters, as usual I was trying to teach myself.
I’m still sitting in that first group, my focus is all over the shop, I am fidgeting, chewing my nails and pulling at my knickers. I know I need to make a move to the second group, pick a focus and stay with it, I know it but I can’t seem to get there. Everyday I am asking myself the same question, what am I doing? Am I writing? And if so what am I writing? Poems, spoken word stuff, for theatre? Am I running a youth theatre? A charity? A business? What the hell is it, what should it be? Or am I thinking about the studying I hope I will do next year? They are like children, they all need a lot of attention. I don’t think I can have three children. Not without compromising the quality of care they all get. I just want the one, then I can spoil it rotten. But I have no idea which child is really mine, they don’t make DNA things for this sort of thing.
It is April, lots of people are doing their dirty 30, thirty poems in a month, one a day for National Poetry Month. I’ve been writing a poem a day since the start of the year so it’s all much the same for me. This week the poems have been rubbish, this is back to the quality of attention it has been getting. Writing a poem a day guarantees nothing, I have to write in a focussed way if I am to be within a chance of getting something half decent and this weeks poems have been squeezed out panic affairs.
I had one rejection and one acceptance. The yes was from The Lemon Tree Theatre in Aberdeen, a ten minute script. First attempt at sending out something for theatre, I don’t know if it means anything really but I am pleased. It will be performed next Sunday at their scratch night. I didn’t make any submissions. I am working on a couple of applications at the moment and they are taking up all my time. One went away today, the other I hope will go very soon. In the mean time it is Easter. Tomorrow I will try and give up sugar for the millionth time, today it’s treasure hunts and picnics. I will not focus on my three not sure if they are my children children, Jermy Kyle’s DNA test will have to wait. Happy Easter