That’s all really.
Obviously this post is late, I am writing it this morning because despite the fact that my kids both being at school was supposed to gift me with the luxury of time the opposite seems to have occurred. I have somehow found myself busier than ever.
Most of the time has been spent doing work for the youth theatre. I believe in what I am doing but this week I am a bit tired. It feels like a lot of scrabbling around, a lot of work for which I am not really being paid and a little bit of an uphill struggle. I don’t think it will stay this way but at the moment the input is massive and it’s just me so it all feels a bit plate spinny at the moment and I was never that good at Circus.
I also spent a fair amount of time in and out of the two local primary schools. I see that work as part of my remit round here, I want theatre in the schools and if I don’t do it it won’t happen. This week, after two years of attempting to make it happen, I finally saw a high quality theatre piece come into one of the local schools. It was a brilliant piece of work and both the pupils and staff loved it. Most importantly for me is that those young people have now seen a piece of good theatre, an experience that some of them might never have had otherwise.
I managed to write just once. Once! That’s pretty pathetic really. When my daughter was home all the time I was getting up at half five to write. So what’s happened? I am not sure really, other than getting up at half five has a knock on effect on my health and my ability to take care of my kids and do all I need to do around the house. It’s just too much stress and stress makes me ill so I’ve chosen to feel better over my writing.
Truth is I’ve chosen a lot of things this week over writing. I’ve chosen to do yoga because if I don’t move then I don’t feel well, I’ve chosen to take a nap because if I don’t rest then chances are I am going to be dealing with pain at the end of the day. I’ve chosen to sort the house, cook food for tea, plan sessions for the youth theatre, meet with the schools about work I will do there this year etc etc. And somehow the space to write hasn’t appeared. Or rather I haven’t made it appear because we have to be honest, these things are choices even if a lot of the time they don’t feel like they are.
The best thing about writing this blog is that I get lots of wise feedback from people. Last week I got a lot of beautiful and clever comments that made me think. They made me step back and look at my life a bit. And I am tired. And, as I said at the start of this post, I quit.
I have frizzy curly hair. For years I tried to straighten it out. My Gran always disapproved but I wanted lovely sleek, shiny, straight hair and, truth be told, I want a lovely sleek, shiny, straight life. I want something for my life that for whatever reason or reasons I can’t make happen. Just like my hair, which was always back to it’s frizzy mop by the end of the day, no matter how hard I had worked to make it straight, my life just won’t go into the shape I want it to. So I give up.
I gave up trying to make my hair straight years ago. It is what it is. And this life of mine? Same story. It’s going to stay frizzy, doesn’t matter what I do. I can’t have the hair I want. It is what it is. And I want to stop pushing for something different now. I am too tired. I’ve been scrabbling about trying to make things happen for about five years now and it just is not working. So enough. They say there is nothing in the middle of the road but roadkill but that’s not true. I am there, so don’t run me over please. From now on I am going to do what other, saner, people do. Just let things unfold however they unfold. Accept that actually it’s not possible to open all the doors that you want to open no matter how badly you want it. That this frizzy life is what I am getting so I might as well just let it be.
No more straighteners, no more pushing. I’m going to unload the washing machine. Make my kids get dressed. Hoover. Do admin and plan the youth theatre. Cook, clean, sleep and accept, accept, accept. That’s all really, that is all.