Whatever happens to you, don’t fall in despair. Even if all the doors are closed, a secret path will be there for you that no one knows.polvam
~ Shams Tabrizi
I’ve had a lot of doors close on me recently, doors that I really wanted to open. I am sure we’ve all been there. I feel like I have been here for a while now and the last year has been particularly door slammy. I have to be honest and say it’s hard not to just feel like I can’t make my life work. I keep tripping up, falling, knocking on doors that won’t open. You can’t make much in a corridor, also a corridor is kind of a lonely place to be. We all want that elusive room of our own.
My daughter is at school now. I have been waiting for some kind of routine to magically present itself to me. It has not. Routine, it seems, still needs to be carved out. I have not behaved like a professional this week, I let resistance win the day. That’s OK, it’s all allowed, but I want to do better. Make sure I am working, whatever work that may be. Do my work and hope for the secret path. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid.
I am afraid that there will be no secret path for me. That actually I’m going to spend the rest of my life out in the damn corridor on my own. I tell myself I should get on with it, just decorate the space you are in. But I don’t like it out here, it echoes, there’s no heating and no place to sit down. And I want to feel sorry for myself a little bit too because it’s rubbish being told no all the time, really, really rubbish. And that in turn makes you feel like you are rubbish as a person, it’s not a happy place to be. But it’s foolish to stay there, you can’t do a thing in that place. You’ve got to work with what you’ve got in front of you, with the stuff you can do something about.
Perhaps we are all on secret paths. No one is really doing what they want or what they think they wanted or what the imagined they wanted. And yet in that place of things not working out all the other things became possible. I think this could be true, I hope it is.
So what have I done this week? Lots of preparation for the youth theatre starting back, paperwork – fun. A bit of writing and sorting through old work in notebooks. Two actual submissions – shock-horror! First I’ve done in months and months. Had naps. Always important. Caught up with some beautiful friends, even more important. Tried not to look at courses I want to do but can’t (this is a vice that needs to stop!) and the usual cook/clean/pick up toys on repeat. And I’ve tried to let go as much as is possible for me (not much!), to stop trying to make something happen and just let things unfold a little, tried to give the secret path a chance to show up. I hope I find it, I hope we all do.