I feel busy, I don’t like it but I do. Don’t we love to be busy? Don’t we hold busyness in some kind of weird reverence. When you asked people how they were they used to give the standard fine, now they say busy! Like busy is fine. We’re fine, look – see – we’re busy!Visual CageПоморники
This year I don’t want to be busy. I want space, lots of lovely space. I don’t do busy all that well. It makes my head spin. I get stressed easily and stress is a big no no when your nervous system is officially broken. So I don’t want to pack my life with stuff to do. And yet I seem to do exactly that every year.
I think it’s hard not to be busy for a lot of reasons. It’s hard to sit in the space. It’s hard to feel like you are moving forward if there is space. But now I think I need the space because without it I probably won’t be able to move at all. The space can be as much of a place of moving forward as the busyness, probably more so. Still I have this feeling that I must MAKE things happen.
I’ve alway had this feeling that my life is a little bit broken and that it is my job to somehow make it work again. My methodology for life fixing so far has consisted of trying to sign myself up to stuff, projects, workshops, jobs, voluntary work. In other words busyness. I must do all of the things in all of the places and this will somehow fix things. And yet I know that nine times out of ten I just burn out. So I promise myself, next time I won’t take on so much…..until I get to the space, panic and start to stuff it again.
And aren’t we good at stuffing crap into our lives? Things to do, yes and then actual stuff. For the last five years I have had declutter on my list of new years resolutions. Every year I don’t feel that I have achieved it and so I add it again. It always starts off quite well, I do a big clear out and the house starts to feel better. And then within a couple of weeks it’s as though nothing has happened. But decluttering your house is the same as all the other parts of your life. The space can freak us out.
So we cram our lives with stuff, things, bits and pieces. We hold onto all the crap because it might fix us or at least distract us for a while. Perhaps you do a clear out like I do, but chances are you are only shifting the top layer. In the same way that emotional baggage can cycle round, every time you think you’ve cleared it there it is again, so it is with our physical processions. If you only work with the top layer you only get top layer results.
So I am still plugging away with the sorting and throwing. Getting rid of as much as I can and doing my best to keep it up this time. I want to go a bit deeper. I want space, inside and out. And I think that means I need to keep decluttering the emotional crap too which is always fun. And as I do this I am finding little moments of space and in that space sometimes I can write or just sit quietly and they are both ok.
At the moment I am still a bit busier than I would like. I am trying to stay mindful of where I am and what I really want so that I can say no to a few things this year and yes to a bit more space and maybe a bit more of me.