What if this is it? (because it is)

I’m probably about half way through my life if I’m lucky.  There’s a thing you do when you are in your teens and twenties where you imagine that there will be a point when life actually starts.  You do a lot of looking forward. A lot of I’ll be happy when x, y, z is in place – then my life will begin!  In the mean time this is just the trailers, you’ve still got time to pop to the loo and get more popcorn.  For some reason we don’t understand, or at least I didn’t, that right in that moment where the land was laid out before us like a big fantastic cake of possibility we were actually already in the middle of the main feature.  I spent years of my life faffing around with the colour of the candles instead of just lighting the bloody things and getting on with eating the actual cake.  Cake keeps, but not forever.Focuzreteks

So now this cake is a tad staler and I am still catching myself playing the same silly game. If x, y or z happens then I will be happy.  But if this was a silly game to play in your twenties it’s an even sillier game to play now.  I used to play in the bakery with all the cakes I could possibly imagine in front of me, now I have a couple of shop bought cup cakes somewhere in my untidy kitchen.  Fact is, at this stage of the baking game (why the hell did I start this cake analogy? I don’t even like baking.) there are some cakes that are out of reach.  I can’t have them.  I can spend all day looking them up on pinternest but the required ingredients don’t exist in my world.  So this is it.  The shop bought cakes in the messy kitchen are where it’s at.

I have no idea what it is I am trying to say but I think it’s this.  Despite writing that post about the things we are chase not being able to fix us I am still playing an outside in game.  I am still waiting for something outside me to somehow turn me into someone I can live with.  Even though I know it doesn’t work like that I am still looking for that moment when the film starts.

It’s started .  This is it.  This. No more trailers.  And then what?  Back to the giving up I wrote about two weeks ago.  I’m waving the white flag, I surrender to the thisness of my life.  Some of the things I want might never, ever happen. Ever.  Then what?  Either I keep faffing about with the colour of my candles or I just get on with eating some cake.  Even if it’s just a shop bought cup cake.   Eat up, people, eat up.

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