I ask myself this a lot. What on earth was I thinking? Why did I do x, y or z? Why did I make that choice? Why did I allow that into my life? Why did I make such a mess of that? So there are those questions.
Then there is what am I thinking? What is actually going on up there? I am trying to listen, to pay attention to the noise. So far this is what I have discovered. My thinking falls into a few categories. I am either time traveling – thinking about the past or the future, or I am running a bunch of nasty tapes about how awful I am. That is what I am doing most of the time. Here and there I am not actually thinking at all, I am just present in the moment. This happens if I am directing or really connected to writing or creating in someway. If I am really in it there isn’t space for anything else.
Two rejections came through this week and last, old ones that have taken time to float back. It’s fine although it means I only have one thing out there at the moment which I sense might be one of those don’t bother to reply places. And this feels a little less fine. Last year I was so focussed on making sure the amount of stuff I have out there was high, I understood it to be part of the process. Now I can’t seem to make myself edit poems and send them out. I write something everyday, I don’t even type them up, they are just in my notebook and I don’t know why .Watch movie online Logan (2017)
I ask myself and it seems it could be that I have realised that what I need right now is just to sort out my head, my heart, my health and anything else that starts with h (hands?). And maybe that is just fine for now, maybe it’s ok to just let the submissions alone for the time being . Or maybe it is part of bigger pattern of mine in which I follow a certain path for a bit and then just stop. There is certainly a truth in that, I am just not sure which is true for me right now. Perhaps both.
Whatever it is I need to clear the horrible head noise. I’m not all that nice to myself up there. It’s been that way for so long I think it’s normal. I am starting to wonder if maybe it’s not, not because everyone doesn’t do this to some degree but because I’ve allowed it to really dominate my life in a damaging way. I’ve got some old buggy computer files messing up my system, I need the human equivalent of the Apple Store Tech Team to de-bug me.
What was I thinking? What am I thinking? If I can think myself into this mess maybe I can think myself out. Or perhaps I’ll just take more naps, those are good too.