What was I thinking?

I ask myself this a lot.  What on earth was I thinking?  Why did I do x, y or z?  Why did I make that choice?  Why did I allow that into my life?  Why did I make such a mess of that? So there are those questions.

Then there is what am I thinking?  What is actually going on up there?  I am trying to listen, to pay attention to the noise.  So far this is what I have discovered.  My thinking falls into a few categories.   I am either time traveling – thinking about the past or the future, or I am running a bunch of nasty tapes about how awful I am.  That is what I am doing most of the time.  Here and there I am not actually thinking at all, I am just present in the moment. This happens if I am directing or really connected to writing or creating in someway.  If I am really in it there isn’t space for anything else.

Two rejections came through this week and last, old ones that have taken time to float back.  It’s fine although it means I only have one thing out there at the moment which I sense might be one of those don’t bother to reply places.  And this feels a little less fine.  Last year I was so focussed on making sure the amount of stuff I have out there was high, I understood it to be part of the process.  Now I can’t seem to make myself edit poems and send them out.  I write something everyday, I don’t even type them up, they are just in my notebook and I don’t know why .Watch movie online Logan (2017)

I ask myself and it seems it could be that I have realised that what I need right now is just to sort out my head, my heart, my health and anything else that starts with h (hands?).  And maybe that is just fine for now, maybe it’s ok to just let the submissions alone for the time being . Or maybe it is part of bigger pattern of mine in which I follow a certain path for a bit and then just stop.  There is certainly a truth in that, I am just not sure which is true for me right now. Perhaps both.

Whatever it is I need to clear the horrible head noise.  I’m not all that nice to myself up there.  It’s been that way for so long I think it’s normal.  I am starting to wonder if maybe it’s not, not because everyone doesn’t do this to some degree but because I’ve allowed it to really dominate my life in a damaging way.  I’ve got some old buggy computer files messing up my system, I need the human equivalent of the Apple Store Tech Team to de-bug me.

What was I thinking?  What am I thinking?  If I can think myself into this mess maybe I can think myself out.  Or perhaps I’ll just take more naps, those are good too.

4 thoughts on “What was I thinking?

  1. Ah a nap. That reminds me of my favourite quote from All My Friends Are Superheroes (Andrew Kaufman): ‘There are two ways to get rid of an anxiety monster,my friend-you either have a bath or a nap’. It’s certainly one way to turn off the internal dialogue. What would happen if you change the voice to something ridiculous (think Donald Duck)? Would it have the same effect…? Hope you can find a way to think your mental hard drive clean! In the meantime, if you need to share, you can always email me. x

    1. As above, I didn’t see your comment sorry. I had 600 posts trying to sell me Ralph Lauren though! Thank you, yes naps are the best thing I think, I have one a day!

  2. Oh Stephanie… I really hear you, I do, and I feel for you! Rumination, self-doubt, shame, self-sabotage, putting your energies into lots of different things only to feel that you’ve ‘failed’ because you can’t quite get to where you thought you wanted to be… It’s very, very common, and especially so with women. It sounds like clearing your head would be a good idea. Yes, sometimes we can think ourselves out of those unhelpful mind patterns and sometimes we can’t, because actually, in their own way they ARE trying to tell us something vital. Maybe they are trying to say, “Stop, rest.”

    I’ve suffered with (mainly) thought-process kind of OCD in the past and I still experience those feelings of shame and self-doubt and self-sabotage and a mind that won’t stop… I’m sure many people do, but they don’t talk about it. My husband was one of my best supporters in difficult times, and as I’ve become older I’ve gotten a better handle on it.

    I also found ‘Women Who Run With The Wolves’ to really help me see the big picture – and it helped me to do a lot of soul healing (and by the way, I have a scientific background, and am NOT into woo) but this, for me, was incredibly useful.

    Anyway, sending you gentle hugs, and I dearly hope you find a way through the fog. M x

    1. Apologies for such a late reply, I am having issues with my comments at the moment . Thank you for the lovely comment, I will check the book (I am always up for a bit of woo actually!) x

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