They say doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results is the definition of insanity. I would say I am guilty of this in many areas of my life . I can see how I keep making similar mistakes, keep repeating the same old patterns of self sabotage, keep stopping at the same place, I can see it and at the same time I can’t see it. I know I need change, I just can’t quite pin it down.
Which isn’t to say I am not trying. Since Easter I haven’t eaten any dairy, gluten or processed sugar. I have been building up my daily yoga practice to 25 minutes, it will be 30 minutes this week. As the time creeps up a bit of me goes argh, where is this going to fit? I shall cross that bridge as it comes however. Mediation I have put up to ten minutes, it’s still ten minutes of internal racket but you can but try.
And I feel better. A definite reduction in the day to day pain (not so much on Saturday because I overdid it on Friday because I was feeling so well – somehow I still haven’t learned pacing yet). But generally I feel much more hopeful and while in some ways my diet feels limited it is worth it to feel less pain day to day.
Then, and this is the confession part of the post, I’ve been listening to a lot of, what can only be described as woo woo talk! Hay House have a summit on this week and I’ve never really listened to stuff like that before but I figured it’s a requirement of the mid-life crisis so I better tick that box. It’s nice stuff actually and it’s shone a light on some of my dodgy thinking about myself. In the main part it’s thoughts about not being good enough. My guess is I am not alone, probably a lot of people have it but (and I am sure everyone does this too) I feel it is somehow it’s actually a truth for me. I am carrying a cross of failure around with me and somehow I need to give myself permission to put the damn thing down because it’s just not serving me.
I can see how a lot of the things I am scrambling is just me striving for sticking plasters for that feeling of failure, that feeling of being a fraud in life, of not being good enough. It’s the classic ‘I’ll feel better when….’ thought. I’ll feel better when I know enough is a big one for me, hence my addiction to education. Don’t get me wrong, I love, love, love to learn, I’d be happy to be a student all my days but there is another part of me that feels incomplete because I don’t have an MA. I’ve no doubt when I get the MA I will want the PHD and so on and so on. I want it in part because I think it will fix that hole that is there which I tell myself is there because I dropped out of drama school. I am not sure that is true or not but it feels true.
And then there is the ego issue. My ego wants to feel accepted, wants to feel picked. But it really is an ego thing, they are not things I actually need. So unpicking all this stuff I am trying to just sit with myself a bit more and figure out what my work is really meant to be. Last year I discovered the key to working creatively, for me anyway. I understand what I need to do and yet right now I am not actually doing it. Why? I can’t say except that I am standing at this cross roads and I can’t pick a road. I am afraid to pick one, I am afraid of being wrong. But, unless I want to stay here, I am going to have to make some choices.
Anyway woo woo aside I am still writing a poem draft a day, nothing more but nothing less. I think I need to accept the submissions don’t feel possible for me right now and that’s OK. I don’t need to be getting published, it’s an ego thing anyway. I had a day at Imaginate, the children’s theatre festival, and it was a day of joy. I recommitted to France, I only cancelled because I was afraid. I still am but that’s OK. I did a workshop with P3/4 at my son’s school and spent a solid two hours tidying my kids room which stayed tidy for a grand total of 2 hours, ah well, it was ever thus.